I remember this scene from before. It\u2019s dark in the sonogram room and even though I promised myself I would remain calm, my blood pressure gives me away reading conspicuously high. The technician is incredibly nice.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m experiencing PTSD as she spreads warm gel on my belly and begins working the probe around.<\/p>\n
And there you are in black and white on the monitor. I\u2019ve seen you before now, but this is different. This is the appointment where we first learned your sister had a severe heart defect. I feel fairly calm as she begins plotting your measurements. After what seems like an eternity, she begins to focus her search to your heart and right away I know it\u2019s different. I watch it beating. Instantly I can tell that this heart is nothing like the heart that beats inside your sister\u2019s chest. I watch her key onto the screen \u201c4 chamber heart\u201d and feel myself relax more than I have all morning. Suddenly the precious beating of your heart fills the dark room. This too is a stark contrast to the sound your sister\u2019s heart makes. It sounds beautiful and so much different.\u00a0 A tear slides down my cheek and I wipe the rogue saline away as fast as I can.<\/p>\n
The tech is done and leaves the room. I look at my husband and he smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you see? She wrote 4 chamber heart?\u201d He is grinning and his leg is bouncing in what I can only describe as pure excitement.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did. I don\u2019t even need her to tell me this heart isn\u2019t the same as Ellie\u2019s. I can tell from the look and sound.\u201d And as I finish the sentence, the tears begin with a vengeance. He thinks I am crying because I am happy, and I am\u2026 but that is not the feeling that is dominating my heart. I feel \u2026 guilty. I feel guilty for the little girl who has a less than perfect heart beating in her chest. I feel guilty that I could not spare her from the traumas and surgeries. I feel guilty that she has to go this alone. I feel guilty for this baby who will have to spend \u00a0time with grandma and grandpa while mommy and daddy take sister to more operations and procedures. I feel guilty for this little child who will have to get less attention because \u00a0sister will need it more.\u00a0 I feel overwhelmed with guilt for these two precious children who, no matter how hard I try, I will never do right by.<\/p>\n
I pull it together as we are ushered back to another room to talk to the doctor. Our suspicions are confirmed. There is no evidence of any major birth defects.\u00a0 She talks about scheduling a fetal echo cardiogram in three weeks to be sure, but right now, everything looks good. \u00a0And I can\u2019t feel totally happy. I want to. I\u2019m desperate to. \u00a0This is what I wanted and prayed for, but the guilt is laced through all of it.<\/p>\n
On the drive home, I desperately search for perspective. I remind myself that both of these children are loved beyond measure. I know I will do the very best I can to show them how much they are loved. I will fail, as humans are destined to do, but there will be times where I succeed. I will try to make the successes more prominent than the failures. I will try to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness. I will love these two as fiercely as I can and I will stop trying to guess what the future holds.<\/p>\n
I hold the pictures from the scan in my hand and flip through them again. \u00a0I smile as I look at your face; a boy\u2026 our little boy. I can\u2019t wait for you to meet us all, especially your big sister.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I remember this scene from before. It\u2019s dark in the sonogram room and even though I promised myself I would remain calm, my blood pressure gives me away reading conspicuously high. The technician is incredibly nice.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m experiencing PTSD as she spreads warm gel on my belly and begins working the probe […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-80","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","post-preview"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/80","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=80"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/80\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":81,"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/80\/revisions\/81"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=80"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=80"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ellieheartwarrior.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=80"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}